Let’s start with the premise that feelings are signposts to needs.
In the 1960s, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, American psychologist, mediator, and peacekeeper, developed a framework for a communication style that holds connection at the core of all interactions—Nonviolent Communication. The basic premise is that feelings are signposts to needs, and the quicker we can move from our feelings into the needs underneath them, the closer we are to restoring peace inside and outside of ourselves.
Understanding the Journey from Feelings to Needs
When we're overwhelmed by our emotions, it can be hard to see beyond them. Anger, sadness, frustration, and even joy are often tied to deeper, unspoken needs. These feelings serve as messengers, gently (or sometimes not-so-gently) pointing us toward something that we need to address.
Take a moment to reflect on this: what if every feeling we experienced was simply a guide, trying to lead us to greater clarity and self-understanding?
Rather than ignoring or pushing aside these emotions, we can approach them with curiosity. In this way, we don’t get stuck in the feeling but instead follow it like a trail that leads us inward, towards a deeper sense of what we need—whether it's connection, understanding, safety, or perhaps simply rest.
Journaling Tips: Moving from Feelings to Needs
One powerful tool to explore this journey from feelings to needs is journaling. Writing gives us the space to slow down, breathe, and reflect, allowing us to dig beneath the surface of our emotions. Here are a few journaling prompts and techniques to help you make that transition with ease and compassion:
If you would like a list of Feelings and Needs to help with your journalling, you can download it here:
Name the Feeling. Begin by simply acknowledging how you’re feeling in this moment. Write down, without judgment, any emotion that comes to mind. You might write: “I feel angry,” or “I feel overwhelmed.” Naming your feeling helps to acknowledge it, and is the beginning of being able to process and shift it.
Now, ask yourself: "What is this feeling trying to tell me? What need might be underneath this?" If you're feeling angry, for example, your need might be for fairness or respect. If you're feeling sad, perhaps the underlying need is connection or belonging.
Write your feelings and needs into this sentence structure: “I am feeling_(feeling name)________ because I have a need for (need name)______”. When you put your feelings and needs together in this way, it can help bring about some clarity and validation. It can also help with providing a sense of relief at identifying the true source of concern. It may take a few tries to find the exact need beneath the feeling, but you will know when you have it right. You will feel a sense of being seen and understood, if only by yourself.
Now that you have dissected your cloud of fear and feelings, rest. Rest and let that information sit with you. Offer yourself kindness throughout the process, knowing that you are courageously on a journey to deeper self-awareness and connection. That the journey takes time, and that you are doing a great job, no matter where you are at with it, even if sometimes it feels like you are walking backwards. Be grateful for your own tenacity in pushing forwards. Be grateful for your own friendship to yourself.
You may be able to use this exercise to approach a conflict or situation with someone else with more kindness and compassion, knowing that now you are able to state exactly how you are feeling, and exactly what you need. After all, we are far more similar than we are different. We all have the same fundamental human needs. And as the late, great Marshal Rosenberg said, ‘there is no conflict at the level of needs’.
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