The Pathway Home to Self
Sharing Humanity:
A few years ago, I was newly sober and had decided to embark on a health kick. As the newly sober frequently do! For 39 years, I had never used my body for anything even remotely close to healthy. I had certainly seen its capacity for reckless debauchery and red wine (yikes!) and had marvelled at its overall ability to consume alcohol and remain standing (the human body is a marvel!). But, upon reflection, I had never seen my body or my mind in any shape remotely resembling healthy.
For 39 years, my thoughts had been the enemy and there was no place to rest from the punishment of constant anxiety, intrusive thoughts, depression and hopelessness. I was a mess.
However, mess or no mess, I have always been self-determined as a human, so I always read a lot of books about how to fix the dumpster fire of my life. The problem was, they always featured things which felt inaccessible to me. Stop drinking? Terrifying and out of the question. Drinking was the only way I was getting through this white-knuckle ride of life.
Meditation was always popping up in the books I was reading, but I recall scoffing at the “self-righteous hippies” touting this remedy. Scoffing seemed like a neat way to repel the idea of sitting alone with my thoughts for too long. How could they suggest sitting with my thoughts, when my head was such a scary place to be? HELL NO, thanks all the same!
Fast forward to newly sober me.
Once I stopped messing with my nervous system and started doing things that supported it, some of the demons in my head got bored, packed their bags and left of their own accord. Not all of them, but enough to feel a tiny bit more peace in my mind. So, when I saw the word Sound Bath Meditation advertised on a poster, I was curious about these words combined. I mean, who doesn’t love music AND baths? The meditation part seemed manageable if there was music there to distract me. I decided to take the plunge into the metaphorical sound bath and give it a go.
Singing mantras with the folks at these Sound Bath events, didn’t feel particularly Zen to me if I am honest. I loved having a sing, but while I sang, I would often use the time to think about life (which I am told is the exact opposite of what you are supposed to be doing during meditation!).
One night while singing, I was contemplating how much of our emotional life is described in electrical terms - e.g. being wired, shocked, plugged in etc.- when suddenly, without any warning, a vision struck me, of a bunch of coloured wires coming out of my stomach. I could see them as clearly as the people either side of me and the clothes I was wearing. My brain started skittling around trying to make sense of this, but just as quickly as they appeared, the wires changed form.
Into two small hands.
To say I was shocked is a dang understatement. Because I knew these hands immediately – they belonged to the little child inside of me – the one and only, Little Lauren.
It dawned on me that these little hands had been reaching out for my entire life, searching for someone or something to hold onto. For reassurance, and protection. As the realisations started to fall thick and fast, so did any illusions I had held about having ever been ‘in charge’ of my life. This little lady had been running the show the whole time, keeping my fight/ flight switch stuck in the on position, trying to get her needs met in all sorts of maladaptive ways. She had never, ever felt safe, and the fact of this, broke my adult heart.
As I watched, the little hands circled toward each other and clasped together tightly. I clasped my adult hands together tightly in solidarity.
In this insanely mystical moment, I realised that by closing this circuit, by clasping my own hands, I could do for myself what I had always searched for from someone else. To become my own safe place. “Closing the circuit” became the catalyst for the next few years of contemplation around emotional and personal safety, what it is, how I provided it for others and how I could start to provide it for myself.
Reflection:
Today, I want to share with you the idea of closing the circuit within, in relation to personal power and blame.
According to James Redfield, author of the Celestine Prophecy, where attention goes, energy flows. We expend energy thinking about the ways that people or situations have hurt us. But we don’t attend to the hurt within. We want those situations and people to stop hurting us. But we don’t use our power and energy to self soothe. Because other people and situations are out of our control, the resolution we seek may not ever come. Time to focus on what we can control, bring all our power back to ourselves, and restore ourselves to wholeness once more.
Imagine your hands are tightly clasped in front of you. Feel free to clasp your hands together in front of you if you are more of a visual person. You now have a closed circuit of energy flowing through this loop, back into the greater system it is a part of. Now unclasp your hands and point away from yourself, imagining the something or someone that has hurt you. Can you see that the circuit is now broken? The energy has been diffused and there is less power in the entire system now.
When we point our fingers out in blame, we are pointing to the people or situations that we are giving our power away to. When rejoining our (metaphorical) hands, we allow this circuit of power to flow securely along an unbroken loop within. We no longer give any of it away, it is all ours.
If someone has given you reason to blame them, then chances are you are hurting in some way. Not pointing at someone in blame, does not mean that we point blame back at ourselves. It does not make the other person/ situation right either. In fact, they are irrelevant. They are only relevant as far as they can show us where we are breaking our circuit of power and giving it away. Closing the loop, means that you bring all your energies back to focus inwards on what you need, to soothe some of the hurt that has been caused.
And in the words of the mighty Rage Against The Machine, to ‘Take The Power Back’.
Investigative Journalism:
Where in life are you carrying blame for someone or something?
At the top of a new page in your journal, write the words - ‘Say it’.
Now, think of someone or something that you have been pointing out in blame at.
Go ahead and write down everything you want to say to this person/ situation. Do not hold back! Forget empathy, forget niceness - this is for your eyes only – so go for it! Say every nasty, awful, angry, hurtful thing that pops into your head. Think of the feelings like a big balloon – with each nasty thing you write, you are deflating the balloon a little more. DON’T HOLD BACK. Write until you can think of nothing else nasty to say to them/ about it.
Have a look back over what you have written. What are the main feelings coming up for you here?
Do you feel Anger? Hurt? Fear? Powerlessness? Disappointment? Despair? No need to judge the feelings as good or bad – all feelings have a function. Just allow them to be.
Now bring your awareness away from the source of blame, and back onto you.
You may like to take a deep breath, close your eyes, and clasp your hands together in front of you for a moment or two. Imagine a ball of light flowing around the loop of your arms and then around your body. Around and around, as if on a circuit.
This ball of light is YOUR energetic power. It is yours, and no one else’s. This person or situation does not deserve any of your power. If your mind wanders off to them, gently guide it back to you. Remember, this is not about them! Feel the reassurance of your own hand tightly held. Gently guide your thoughts back to your energy loop. Fill your body with this looping energetic ball of light.
Now at the top of a new page write the question - What do I need most from me right now?
What do the feelings you identified on your ‘say it’ page, need from you right now? For example – do you need Reassurance? Safety? Love? Imagine what kind of support a close friend might give to you in this situation. Write it all down.
I know that this all sounds a bit naff. I hear you. But let me assure you – the single most powerful thing you can ever do, more than ranting, more than blaming, more than burning down your ex-lovers’ house or starting an elaborate smear campaign (as tempting as that all sounds!)…. Is to just be there for yourself when you are in pain. Doing some detective work, identifying what your pain needs, then taking small steps to providing support to yourself.
Take one thing from your list of needs and make a little plan of how to action it for yourself.
You spend so much time giving to others. It is time for you to give back to yourself.
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